The Comedy of Errors and Goals

The first half started with United’s defense looking surprisingly organized, like a group of friends who just agreed on a restaurant for dinner. But that didn’t last long. Phil Foden, the Stockport Sensation, decided enough was enough and popped up with a perfectly placed header from a Doku cross to put City up 1-0. United’s new manager, Ruben Amorim, probably looked at his watch, muttered “well, that’s not ideal,” and scribbled a note to himself that read: “Get new defenders?”

The second half was a showcase for the man who eats, sleeps, and breathes goals: Erling Haaland. After what can only be described as a generous assist from United’s defense (or lack thereof), Haaland muscled his way past Luke Shaw to chip it over the keeper for his first. He celebrated with his iconic “Siuuuu,” which, at this point, should probably just be a part of the Premier League sound package. Just for fun, he then hit the post with an open goal, proving that even a goal-scoring machine can have a sense of humor. He made up for it later, of course, with a cheeky finish that was so easy, it looked like he was just taking a penalty in his backyard. His two goals completely deflated United, who by then were probably just dreaming of the full-time whistle and a hot shower.